Don't be shocked:Y Sunday, December 24, 2006Y
1:46 AM
drunk dad. runaway mum. spoiltbrat bro. single me. how worst can this x'mas be? i always love x'mas. i love the spirit of x'mas though i'm neither christian nor catholic. this season shld be feel with warmth and happiness. though dad's always drunk and my mum had runaway, i am still trying to bury all this sadness and trauma back down my brain. i always tell ppl around me, i'm use to it and i don't want to bother. realli. i dun want to bother. there are better things for me to do like slping. u may think i'm hard hearted, if u r me, surviving for 22 yrs in this chaotic famili, u ll understand. i felt glad still. that i'm not the worst. not trying to be a hypocrite here. just trying to tell whoever bother to read my blog out there. there are more ppl more unhappy then me. but i'm unhappi this coming x'mas. although i still put on a smile laffing. when i'm alone, i felt that if i have a choice, i ll choose to be happy. so there. i hope i'm happy. i want to be happi. there are not only things that happen to me that i'm sad about. but i listen to other ppl sad story. and i felt that god.. its unfair. there are things i hear. i cant say. things i see. i cant say. things ppl done to hurt me. i cant say. there are anger in me. i cant say. wad the hell.. damn it. things are so uncontrollable. things are so unpredictable. life is so cruel. thus, pls be sensitive a little. pls be more caring a little. pls understand a little. pls pls pls. pls think before u speak a little. pls use a brain a little. pls feel a little. pls spare me a little. pls pls pls. baq to x'mas, i wan to be with the ppl who need me more. planning to spend it with my sec frens this yr. but something cock up which i cant say. cock up in time. cock up in feelings. cock up with everything. they might be upset about it. i onli can apologixe. becos'there are ppl who need me more. things i cant say. things i can feel. but some cant. complicated? traumatic? yes it is. but i chose to follow wad it shld be done. for others and for oneself. those who understand me ll noe that is the right choice, those who don't i have nothing much to say.
rec'd my aws finalli. *kissing the one mth bonus* but heart aching still becos of the nearli 700bux CPF. going to somewhere i cant touch. anyway i cant spend much becos they are for my nx sem sch fees. and YES! its gonna be the last sem sch fees i need to pay. time flies and all this suck up all the savings i had. trust me. i'm not as rich as anyone of u thing. i might me much poorer than those who i schooling. *Note i still need to feed my famili and the high expenses needed for myself. variable bonus is postpone to april. so rob me then. not now. i went to bot a trench coat for my india trip after much researching. the sales assistant of one "coldwear"shop say 5deg at least mus 1 long john, 1 sweater + 1 coat. damn it. thats thick. i onli bot some long sleeves blouse and 1 3/4 wollen jacket from G2. after the "consulatation" ytd.. i finalli went to mango and bot a trenchcoat.. and it was on sale so i bot a jeans too. counting down from today its exactly 14 more days from my flight to india. feelings now is v. excited still though i'm going to india. speaking from my heart, i realli hate there. the smell. the blacks. the food. the environment. the oxygen i'm gonna breathe. the temperature. most horrible is trainings for the indians. nothing turns me on. but then, its a good opportunity if u think it in a good way. thats y i accepted the offer. good working experience. good chance to visit a place i ll nv pay to visit. i ll treasure the moments there.
ah... i always wanted to tok about this somewhere. i have told quite a couple of ppl b4. but there are some, who still don't. guess everyone shld know i have a loud ( cum irritating voice i guess). pardon me to say. but thats me. not trying to grab attention. not trying to be annoying. thats jus me. i'm not trying to steal the limelight by roaring. but when i get "high"my voice get louder. there r 4 reactions to it:
1st. those who realli noe me, like my loud voice. think its funni, think its annoying sometime. but they still understand me. they r my gd frens. they dun shud me off. they dun use irritated eyes and shoot at me. they play and laff along maybe with softer voice (becos'i dun tink there's much ppl who can win my loud voice)
2nd. those who hate me becos they dunno who the fiak i am and think that this siao cha bor is irritating, annoying, kaopei-ing, noisy, trash, babarian, idoitic, tom-boi and wanted to give me a tight slap if possible.
3rd. afraid of me becos they think my loud voice ll eat them up. As loud = fierce= unfriendli. (god did they not noe i have a heart like an angel sometime?)
4th. those who noe me yet shud me off like they do not noe me @ all? *bottom of my heart* i'm not trying to steal the limelight. not trying to irritate u. not trying to annoy u. i jus speak that loud and louder when i'm excited. it hurts me so much when u shud me off. it hurts till i tell myself i cant sob in front of u. it jus hurt so much u do not noe who much it had scarred my heart and soul. becos' every inch of me hurt when i tried to do nothing but showing my real self. and yet, u tell me to shud and be someone i'm not.
sO which 1 is u?
aDvance meRry x'mas jus in case i din have a chance to write my blessings. :)
The glitter of tinsel.The twinkling of lights.
Warmth that fires from love.
Smiles that light your heart.
Laughter that comes from true happiness.
Music to soothe your soul.
The company of those you hold dear.
The wisdom to enjoy simplicity.
May this Christmas gift you with
all the many blessings of life.